EMPYRE #5

 

I suppose this sums up one of the big reasons I don’t particularly enjoy these big event books: Black Panther gets impaled by a sword in this issue and has no pulse and dies of blood loss…but he’s alive on the cover of #6. Jesus Christ. Also the sun is set to explode in nine minutes which would be the end of Earth. Woudn’t that be funny if I was completely wrong and the sun did explode and everyone on Earth died and Marvel could publish the books featuring the characters out in space like the Guardians of the Galaxy? And I guess they could publish Thor, since his home world is Midgard and not Earth…plus he’s like immortal. And I guess they could keep publishing The Immortal Hulk…since he wouldn’t die. So that’s 3 titles! Think this event will lead to Marvel only publishing 3 titles? You get the point I’m making…that the huge stakes in these event books are superfluous and things no reader takes serious…which takes the drama and suspense out of them. This issue also opens up with a gay wedding in Las Vegas…which feels totally out of place to just stop a world-ending, mega fight between various alien species and superheroes to show a wedding in Las Vegas. Maybe writer Al Ewing recently attended a gay wedding and decided to shoehorn it into this book to make the masses accept a gay marriage as being just an everyday thing and not something certain people find weird or revolting or wrong. Maybe Al Ewing is gay. Who knows? What we do know is that Al Ewing isn’t the greatest writer. I was hoping co-writer Dan Slott would write one of these issues but no, they’ve kept the same creative team throughout this series…which means they probably finished the whole thing before #1 was even printed. Which is a good thing, as I yearn for those halcyon days when a writer/artist team stayed on a book for a long run. I will say this about Al Ewing (and this is maybe why a lot of critics probably like his books): a lot of his stuff, besides the gay wedding of course, feels old-school like a Marvel space book from the ‘70’s. I mean…modern comics don’t usually feature super-dumb dialogue like this nugget: “I’m going to try to use the star-sword to disrupt the portal.” Also Hulkling turns out to be an evil impostor and the real Hulkling is in the brig locked in a Skrull inhibitor mask. Groan. And so we move to the conclusion of this awful saga with #6…which I presume will be out next week since I think the books have been coming out weekly. Maybe even Marvel realized the book sucks and so they just decided to release it quickly. Granted, it was supposed to be wrapped up a month ago but the pandemic changed things. I still like my reasoning better. 1/2*

EMPYRE #4

 

Maybe it’s because I’m not reading all of the spin-off issues…but I seemed to learn more about this book by reading the “previously” synopsis at the beginning of this issue than I did reading the first three issues. I guess it’s not that confusing. I’ve pretty much just been calling it plant man vs. everyone…which is basically true. There are a lot of characters in this that I don’t know…although Mantis, who, somehow, is Quoi’s (the plant man) mother. I do know…because she was in the second Guardians of the Galaxy movie. I’m not sure if this is a revelation or it happened it some previous Marvel book I never read…but Hulkling, who is Swordman’s (no, I don’t know who that is) son, and is also the leader of the new Kree/Skrull alliance, married a man, who shows up in this issue. Hulkling’s husband is Billy Kaplan, aka Wiccan. Who are these people? I’m genuinely curious what book all of these people are in. I’ve been reading X-Men for the last year and they’re not in that. I did read some of Danny Coates’ Guardians of the Galaxy a year or two ago and they weren’t in that. I started reading Dan Slott’s Fantastic Four run and they weren’t in that. I’ve read some of Jason Aaron’s Avengers run and they’re not in that. So what book are these people in? I suppose the big question is…what other books are out there that they could be in? I would say maybe a Young Avengers book but does that even exist? It seems that to understand any of what’s going on in this series you’d have to have read and studied every Marvel book for the last five years…which is kind of a problem. Does Marvel want new readers? Or do they just want to ostracize them? I read the original “Kree/Skrull War” storyline a few months ago and that featured a ton of characters I didn’t know much about…but it was written in a way that brought you up to speed. Empyre feels like the exact opposite; it’s throwing all these random characters around that you’re probably supposed to know and/or care about but you don’t…unless maybe your Marvel’s biggest super fan. The other thing in this particular issue that is kind of awful is that She-Hulk is dead…but she was killed “off page” sometime ago and it’s just revealed in this issue when she’s really just a husk that’s been taken over by an evil plant alien thing. Okay…not that She-Hulk is such a great, legendary character or anything…but, still…killing her awhile back and not even showing it? Lame. Shouldn’t that have been like a big deal when it happened? Groan. I probably should talk about the plot if this issue. Hulkling might be an imposter because he wants to use the Pyre, which is a weapon that will destroy the plant men known as the Cotati but it will also destroy the sun and kill everyone on Earth. There’s also a battle going on in Wakanda where the Cotati want to set up the Death Blossom that will also kill everyone on Earth. Jeez…you think everyone on Earth is going to die and Marvel will stop publishing books and that’s the end of the company? Maybe that’s the problem with these event books that provide huge stakes that are obviously never going to result in any kind of long term damage. So far this book is just all over the map in a bad way. I will admit that the art, which is by the same team that did the first three issues, is colorful and vibrant and alive. But for $4.99 with only 20 pages of art…this book is a rip-off. Everyone is tired of these boring, bulging event series and yet they keep publishing them to help their profit margins. I’d like to think maybe that will change, but there’s an ad in this book for the next big event, the X-Men’s X of Swords, so it doesn’t seem like that’s ever going to happen. ½*

EMPYRE #3

I’ve been reading Empyre while mostly wondering what the heck kind of story is filling all of these side books the event has. The reason I’m wondering is because there isn’t exactly a hell of a lot going on in the main book. There’s an evil alien that controls plants. And there’s the Fantastic Four and the Avengers that are against him. There are the Skrulls and the Kree but they’re just kind of sitting on the sidelines not doing much. There are 53 books in this event…so what the hell is going on in the other 47 books? Well this issue, #3, kind of answers that. There’s a panel that explains that “Captain America is leading Earth’s heroes—super and otherwise—to fight the Cotati across the world.” And “Thor is on a mythical quest—seeking out powers only a God can access.” Okay. Sounds exciting. In this issue, The Thing is in Wakanda fighting the aliens. And Tony Stark is with Reed Richards. And a new, big bad shows up at the end of this issue. R’Klll, the Empress of Skrulls. I’m not entirely sure how you’re supposed to pronounce “R’Kill.” But she admits that she’s, “far more than a mere Skrull.” Okay. She’s “survivor of Galactus! Mother of Anelle, the Holy Matyr! Grandmother of Dorrek VIII, the King of All Space!” So there’s apparently a guy that’s the king of all space that I’ve somehow never heard of even though I’ve been reading Marvel comic books for the last thirty years. Makes sense. With the same writer (Al Ewing) and artist (Valerio Schiti), this book is pretty much just more of the same. I will admit that the Empress of Skrulls is a better villain than plant man. I suppose that’s something. *

EMPYRE #2

 

The big thing I noticed with this book is that it’s only 20 pages long. And here I thought this was a “big” event comic book. Empyre #4 was $4.99…I know because I bought it the day it came out. Was this issue, #2, $4.99 for only 20 pages of art? I’m not sure, as I just downloaded it awhile back and can’t remember. And since this issue is only 20 pages, obviously not a lot happens. Captain Marvel dies…and comes back to life literally on the next page. Way to go, drama! The big bad in this series is the leader of the alien group the Cotati (yep, stupid name). His name is Quoi, and he can control plants. So he ends up sending these killer vines to Earth where they attack. The Avengers try to stop him but he teleports somewhere. And that’s about it. I noted while reviewing #1 that Empyre consists of 53 books (although I thought I had read somewhere that a few of them have been cancelled because of the pandemic). How is an evil plant guy enough story for 53 books? Granted, this is only #2 of #6…so maybe it gets bigger and better. If every issue is only 20 pages, though, I kind of doubt it. So far the Kree and the Skrulls haven’t really done too much. Maybe they’ll get more involved. As for the writing and art, it’s the same team from #1. I was kind of hoping Dan Slott would write this issue as he’s a better writer than Al Ewing, even though I was glad Slott was booted off The Amazing Spider-Man and I stopped reading Slott’s Fantastic Four after two or so issues. That tells you how much I like Al Ewing’s writing. This issue, and this series, is just super bland. There’s nothing remotely exciting or fun about it. I’m trying to think if any Marvel books are any good these days. Hickman’s X-Men is probably the only one that’s any good, and that’s lost a ton of steam since last summer when it started. Danny Coates, Marvel’s hot new writer, has been writing Venom and Thor lately and those are pretty good, although I have the last 3 issues of both stories still sitting on my Ipad…which means those books are so great I haven’t even bothered to read them in 3 months. Oh, well. 1/2*

EMPYRE #1

It seemed that, not so long ago, the big, comic book event series were actually a big deal. Not that they were any good (when was the last time an event comic was any good?), but that they seemed to get a lot of press and people talked about them and they were kind of a big deal at the moment. I’m thinking of Civil War, Secret Empire…and maybe that one where Captain America was evil (it was so great I forget the name of it). But these last few years have produced a bunch of plodding, monotonous, forgotten event series that have kind of just ended up being regular mini-series that are going on with a bunch of side books that don’t garner much attention. Marvel and DC have kind of given up on having big event series that figure into every corner of their respective universes. Now the event books are just with one character, like how Thor had his War of the Realms event and Carnage had Absolute Carnage and Batman is amidst  “The Joker War” at the moment. Empyre is Marvel’s big event book for 2020, and while it does feature The Fantastic Four and The Avengers, I’m not sure it was ever meant to be any kind of monumental game changer. Supposedly the companies have to do these event books to help their profits every year (added books mean added sales I guess)…so they’re not doing them because they had a good idea or thought it’d be cool. No, they do them because they have to. And Empyre is kind of a lame duck idea anyway. It’s kind of a sequel to the “Kree/Skrull War” storyline that was in The Avengers book back in the 70’s. When this pandemic started I wrote 30 comic book reviews in 30 days because, well, I could. And I just happened to review the Road to Empyre book which set up this new event series. Because the “Kree/Skrull War” is always talked about as being this great, famous, legendary story I decided to go read it and review it. It didn’t turn out that great! No, not the reviews, those were fantastic…the “Kree/Skrull War” storyline wasn’t that great. It started off good but didn’t really go anywhere interesting. And comic books must have really sucked back then for that storyline to have been so momentous. I’m still curious why it’s so famous…I think because other writers just used those characters again and again and it became this long story that could only be understood if you read the original. So it wasn’t so much a great story as just a template. Either way, the Skrulls and the Kree are back in Empyre #1. They’re not fighting anymore, though, they’ve joined together to form an alliance. There’s another alien group now that are living on the moon and are apparently a peaceful people until the end of this issue when it turns out they’re not and they’re evil and their leader is the big bad. Okay. Which means I guess that Empyre is basically the Fantastic Four, the Avengers, the Kree, and the Skrulls versus this new, evil group, the Cotati. At the end of this issue, the Cotati’s leader shouts, “We begin our Empyre!” Not sure why he’s calling it “empyre” and not “empire.” It’s…cooler? There’s also a smorgasbord of popular Marvel heroes here, considering this is a big event book and they’re supposed to just be packed with a thousand characters. Black Panther, The Thing, Iron-Man, She-Hulk, Captain America, Thor, Ghost Rider. The book isn’t exactly boring, though it’s not particular good. Al Ewing and Dan Slott came up with the story and Al Ewing wrote this first issue. Ewing, for whatever reason, has gotten accolades for his current run on The Immortal Hulk…which I tried reading but didn’t like at all. Maybe Empyre will get more entertaining and fun when Dan Slott writes an issue. As for the art…Valerio Schiti did the art and Marte Gracia did the colors. The book is definitely colorful and vibrant. I had heard that Marvel was cancelling some of the side books to this event…so who knows if any of these exist…but there’s a checklist for Empyre and there are 53 books in all. Jesus Christ. Do you think anyone is reading (and can afford) 53 books? They’ve got to be out of their minds. Here’s a taste of the great books you could read: Empyre: The Invasion of Wakanda #2, Lords of Empyre: Swordsman #1, Lords of Empyre: Celestial Messiah #1, Empyre: Stormranger #3. Ugh. Who comes up with this crap? This checklist is old, though, and should have been changed, because Empyre #4 just came out on August 5^th when the whole thing was supposed to be over in July. So we get…what? Another two months of this epic space yarn? Yay. *